You ever get that feeling when a blog post just comes to you and you need to type, even though at this point it’s just for you and it’s likely no one will read it? Well, hello, welcome to Word of Rachel! It’s been a while…
By a while, I mean a week. I love blogging, but as I’m going to explain in this post, I’ve been struggling with it lately.
Some of you that know me well know I was involved in some recent drama that didn’t reflect well on me, and thank you so much to those that assured me that people who know me know I’m not the person someone else tried to portray me as. Because although I desperately tried to brush it off, only addressing the serious side of the event and saying I was over it and didn’t care, it stung. I felt helpless, ostracized and a little lost. My blogging motivation was down the drain as was, and it didn’t help to try and relight the spark only to have it blown out so harshly. My anxiety when it came to blogging has been all over the place – some days I want to take all evidence of blogging out of my social media and go back to how things were last year, before this blog existed and my every move wasn’t scrutinized by strangers on the internet. And other days I think of when I loved blogging, right when I started and was meeting new people and having such a community feel.
What was wrong with me? Why had I lost a fire, a hobby, that use to fill me with so much joy?
I know the blogging community seems to be in a sort of downturn right now – it’s competitive as it is, and with engagement at a bit of a low, and Instagram being so damn hard right now, it’s easy to feel negative. When I have set myself up and actually scheduled tweets and shared Instagram posts I don’t get the engagement I used to get. And me being me, over-analysing every little situation and convincing myself I am hated, I have definitely blown this out of proportion in my head. And it’s worsened over the last few days – In the aftermath of the drama, I had to confront the fact that some of my nastiest critics were people I thought were my friends (admittedly, I wasn’t named and chose to name myself, because only half a story was being told and people were being just that horrible). A fair few people haven’t spoken to me, but a few days ago I noticed quite a lot of people had unfollowed me on Instagram right after a big Scottish Blogging event I hadn’t been able to go to. It’s very easy to jump to conclusions, especially when one of these people was someone who had seemed to send some support, acknowledged my responses and although hadn’t commented, seemed to be sorry. Despite it not being a big deal, I did have to admit I cared.
I suppose the purpose of this post is just to expel my negative energy and get it out. I don’t blame anyone but myself for what happened – I was careless and decided it would be funny to put my own foot in my mouth, and I paid the price. It’s not worth the effect it had on my life, and I’m more angry at my anxiety for making that happen. But today, with some good news, and all things considered, I know I’ve dwelled on the people who thought the best way to deal with my careless attitude was to bring me down for too long. Because some amazing, incredible things are currently happening on my life. And it’s time to focus on the positive.
It’s been my dream since I was 9 years old to be a marine biologist that works with marine mammals. Despite everybody and their mother telling me that was a very difficult field to get into, I’m in my final year of a marine biology degree, I’m getting good grades, and I’m currently working on not just one, but two marine mammal based projects, both with top ranked scientists in the field.
Another life goal was to be a scuba diver, and last week I qualified as an instructor, having spent the last three years getting a semi-pro qualification. I started my teaching and loved every minute of it.
I have a great flat, in a great city, and share that with an amazing man who loves me for exactly who I am, over analysis of everything included. And he makes great coffee! And we may have some exciting news tomorrow – keep an eye out!
And I know I have friends where it counts – even if everything feels a bit quiet right now.
I just need to get through this busy period; dissertation, honours essay and scuba diving instructing are taking up every inch of my time (so what better way to procrastinate is there then writing this blog post?). Come January, I’m going to get back into blogging, and I’m determined to learn to enjoy it again.
But right now, my focus is me. I’m not going to let people with nothing better to do bring me down any more. I’m going to throw myself into my uni work, smash these goals and keep being me.
And no one, under any circumstances, is going to make me feel bad for being myself again. If you don’t like me, you can leave. After all, I’ve always advocated that pleasing everyone is impossible. Pissing people off is a walk in the park though! (I put that in an essay once – I got extra marks for it!)
I know this wasn’t a useful blog post to anyone but me, but if you’re still here, thank you! I hope you are having a fantastic day, no one is bringing you down, and you never feel afraid to be 100% you!